I share plenty of tips in my blog Setting boundaries for messy reality and never pretend I’ve got any magic wands!
And have you overstepped any boundaries recently? Given we can't be in someone's head it's going to happen.
Since we're often pretty rubbish at directly expressing that someone's crossed a boundary, maybe you didn't even know you had, classic 'it all comes down to communication' stuff! the messy reality of overstepping boundaries.
So welcome to my exploration of how we might overstep boundaries when it comes to workplace mental health.
And why maintaining boundaries in this area (mental health generally and simply life)is so tough but vital for psychological safety! You can learn more about this in Hope through Conversation and Hope through Messy Reality’ part of my Workplace Mental Health Collection.
A friend/colleague (I’ve invented the term frolleague!) was having a very rough time on the home and work front and called for a catch up and much needed rant. It started as a two-way conversation and then clearly their need to express was greater than mine and so I mainly listened and acknowledged what they have on their plate.
As the call was coming to a natural end, I felt the need to ask if there was one small step that might support them through their messy reality, so far so good.
But what I said in practice, was that if I was in their shoes I would need to explore xxx and why xxx might be useful, not the first time I've referenced it.
Later I wondered if I'd overstepped a boundary as at no point did they ask for my advice. I was doing the classic...
Your solutions to their problems might not be their solutions to their problems.
I messaged them after and, as they share my sense of humour, explained that the irony wasn't lost on me that it was #TimeToTalk day and there I was straying into fixing mode.
Anyone else want to rename it #TimetoListen day?!
Now in my case it was essentially a conversation between friends and we're not in an official professional relationship, though being 'in the business' of mental health I hold myself to high standards! Communication is key:
Boundaries are for exploring and re-calibrating, a constant work in progress as to what you're both ok with.
Because it's not for me to fix, saying something like “I'm here if you need a good rant, just let me know if you want to explore options” would work, whatever is authentic for your relationship.
Clearly there are important responsibilities when it comes to workplace mental health conversations, but this can get lost in the well-meaning 'let's raise awareness' messaging without the crucial boundaries element being stated.
Those of us in the 'industry' have responsibilities around our own messaging, story-sharing and how we position various training products and services. It's a hot and divisive topic which I'll leave aside for this blog! You can check out Training Best Practice and Hope through Conversation and Hope through Messy Reality for more on my approach.
Back to boundaries around mental health conversations in a work context, I was reassured to come across this robust article Ensuring mental health conversations don't overstep boundaries which voices my own concerns and confirms what I've witnessed and picked up anecdotally over the years, including as volunteer and trustee of a mental health charity. I’ve highlighted the key insights and contributed my own.
Encouraging conversations about mental health does not always mean organisations effectively support psychological safety - Lou Campbell.
There are a whole host of traps managers, Mental Health First aiders/Champions and even HR and other professionals and colleagues fall into,
The adage' a little knowledge can be dangerous' comes to mind. Using diagnostic language in conversation when it's not reflecting how an individual is expressing their challenges is unwise, leave terms like that to the professionals (who I acknowledge from experience don't always get it right, the whole medical model and funding etc. is for another debate!).
Best practice is you don't give advice, but you sure as heck need to seek it! That might be internally or externally e.g. HR, Occupational Health, Mind (inc. their Legal line), ACAS, specialist charities e.g. Bipolar UK.
You're not expected to be an expert on say Epilepsy, so don't try to be with a particular mental health diagnosis. What is important is how it impacts that individual and their job role. The Employer's Guide to Bipolar | Bipolar UK is a nice example of a wealth of appropriate and relevant info for a specific diagnosis.
Not seeking appropriate advice in a timely manner can lead to all round headaches including misunderstandings, conflict, longer sickness absence, even not returning, burnout risk on rest of team, grievances and potential legal issues.
Trying to fix - the 'righting reflex'
I love that phrase, our drive to make it alright for others! It can come from the 'problem-solving' nature of our core duties and from deeper within, influenced by our own insecurities and coping strategies.
If you get caught up in the fixing, you're not respecting the individual's need and right to autonomy to empower them to make decisions about their own treatment, care and recovery. We need to accept those decisions might not be our preferences.
Well-meaning declarations that your 'door is always open' can lead to overcommitting of time, energy and resources. As well as the burn-out risks neglecting the needs of the wider team compounds issues. Over-promising something that then can't be supported by the organisation stores up trouble too.
WellbeingPartners research found:
38% of HR managers are having conversations with employees about their mental health outside of working hours and 26% say they become overly-involved in employees’ mental health issues – Wellbeing Partners.
Anecdotally, a colleague of mine shared that their partner had found themselves overwhelmed in their Mental health champion role when the organisation was going through organisational change. A 2-day course like Mental Health First Aid is just that, a course! And it gives you generic guidance as a human to act in a generic ‘Early intervention’ type way.
To become officially part of the organisation, the MHFAider/ Wellbeing Champions role must be defined and actively supported as part of a broader strategy.
We're so keen to connect on a human level, it's easy to overshare our own experiences, I often cite the ‘crossing the road’ analogy.
Many of us treat listening like crossing the road – we’re waiting for a gap in the traffic to say our piece.
Dealing with an uncomfortable conversation you might be doing your best to put someone a tease by sharing your own insights and experiences, beware of this especially if you consider yourselves friends. Whilst I know a thoughtfully timed ‘Would it help if I shared some insights?’ can be helpful, Lou Cambell warns “If you've had the courage to share, why would you want listen to mental health anecdotes, be analysed, or encouraged to focus on the “positives”?... Employees often come away from those conversations feeling unheard and regretting they opened up.”
These can result from situations mentioned above which can cloud your professional judgement. Lack of clarity around roles is a huge problem and can come from the common advice to train those in a manager role up as Mental Health First Aiders, which isn't my 'go to' recommendation.
These are different roles with different responsibilities and need skilful management. Whether you like it or not, as a manager you are always wearing the manager hat in terms of hierarchy. Transitioning from a 'first aider' role to 'performance management' work with the same employee requires skill and expert boundaries.
Hence the need for specialist training for manager and HR roles, "to give confidence to those who are reticent, and rein in those who have a tendency to over-involve themselves."
As we navigate the complexities of workplace mental health conversations, it's essential to remember that boundaries are not just barriers but tools for fostering psychological safety and mutual respect.
The garden analogy from Carolyn Spring beautifully illustrates this:
I need to know where my garden starts and where it ends...I don't need to mow my neighbour's lawn but I do need to mow my lawn". This reminds us that while we can offer support, we must also respect each other's space and autonomy.
In our quest to avoid crossing boundaries, let's recall the crossing the road safety campaign (showing my age 😉). Instead of "Stop, Look, Listen," try "Stop, Listen, Think!" This simple Pause (I call it a power pause) can help us stay mindful and respectful in our interactions.
Let's continue to explore and support each other while respecting the boundaries that keep us safe and empowered.
Hi, I’m Emma! With 30 years in Learning & Development and varied roles, I specialise in helping workplaces navigate the 'messy reality' of mental health conversations with confidence as part of a broader strategy. My experiences in a range of workplace settings, and as a mental health charity trustee and member of NHS suicide awareness working groups, drive me to provide practical approaches that create real impact. I ensure every session is engaging, down-to-earth, and actionable.
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Practical Mental Health Training for a Healthier Workplace
