Two of the myths I busted in my Boundaries Myth Busting blog are that boundaries are either rigid/harsh or the best thing since sliced bread! In fact, they are neither inherently good or bad.
Boundaries are on a scale with the ‘too flexible/leaky’ approach down one end and ‘too rigid’ approach at the other with heap loads of nuance in between. Context is always important since circumstances and the relationships involved are unique, including our relationship with ourselves.
Think Goldilocks and the three bears and importantly the porridge. Too hot, too cold and just right…that might ring some weather bells too.
Leaky boundaries can be likened to the uncomfortably hot, runny porridge, indulge me as I explore the analogy.
Hot, leaky boundaries can involve...
This lack of discernment can lead to overwhelm, exhaustion, resentment and a feeling of being exposed or emotionally burnt.
Even if you’re not a porridge fan, we’ve all burned our tongue because we didn’t take the time to pause before we dived in!
It’s not hard to imagine that these kinds of boundaries can lead us to feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.
And have you ever considered where our hot/leaky boundaries might impact the other person negatively? For example, when someone we care about is in distress, our desperate urge to fix might feel suffocating to them or disempower them from finding their own sustainable ways of managing their challenges.
Rigid boundaries are like the porridge that’s too cold even lumpy.
Cold/rigid boundaries can lead to...
For the individual, we can see how this might lead to a sense of loneliness and isolation. Rigidity and overprotection can also mean missing out on growth that comes from getting out of our comfort zones.
And the impact on others? This can include feeling invalidated or dismissed or lead to a sense of walking on eggshells which will hinder trust, collaboration and teamwork.
Many of us have experienced being micro-managed by bosses, have you like me had to implement an escape plan before it's had a long-term negative impact on your mental health and self-worth? As the saying goes, we don’t leave jobs, we leave bosses.
When making adjustments, a thoughtful approach is essential so there's more on this below in 'A word on flexibility' and 'A step in the right direction.'
This bowl of porridge represents the sweet spot of healthy, warm personal boundaries. Spoiler alert...
The sweet spot doesn't mean comfortable, particularly at first. Think short term discomfort for long-term gain.
It's a balance between being open and vulnerable when appropriate. You have the self-awareness and self-respect to know when and how to advocate for yourself and can express your needs in a thoughtful clear and kind way.
Healthy boundaries...
Realistically if you're new to setting healthy boundaries then there will be less room initially for flexibility as you prioritise consistency and practise confident messaging. Allow time for others to adjust, even get a boundary buddy and hold each other accountable.
It's all about re-wiring new helpful habits, including acknowledging your own attitudes and fear responses. Once new habits are properly established then you can afford to make exceptions because they don't risk becoming slippery slopes.
Contrary to popular belief, healthy boundaries open up opportunities as they enable us to explore with a sense of security.
There are all sorts of reasons including fear and trauma, (I like the expression Big T and little T), that explain why we find this topic challenging. It's important to be kind to yourself wherever you are on your journey.
It will depend on the context and relationship and of course under stress we move towards our unhealthy tendencies. For more nuance you can use these five options:
Before I learned some important lessons and started specialising in Boundaries, my tendencies have been no.4 ‘A bit too leaky’ and occasionally no. 5 ‘Far too leaky’!
If you know me, feel free to disagree, and since I'm better at this stuff now, I'll pause and reflect before I automatically take your word for it 😊
We always need nuance, in areas where change feels uncomfortable for me, my gut reaction can tend towards no. 2 - the rigid, colder end.
What I do know is that the more I practise, the more I’m achieving 'just right' in a messy reality, flawed human way, and I’m enjoying supporting others in this direction too.
If you’re managing a situation that is complex and feels too hot to handle alone, seek support. My Support and where to find it has plenty of options.
That’s my sense of humour as a Brit because of our need to complain about the weather - too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry and rarely just right. I might dare to suggest that the British weather is even harder to control than our boundaries and porridge preparation, although investing in a good brolly and raincoat helps!
Where are you on your Boundaries journey? Or Porridge or the unpredictable British weather?
Hi, I’m Emma! With 30 years in Learning & Development and varied roles, I specialise in helping workplaces navigate the 'messy reality' of mental health conversations with confidence as part of a broader strategy. My experiences in a range of workplace settings, and as a mental health charity trustee and member of NHS suicide awareness working groups, drive me to provide practical approaches that create real impact. I ensure every session is engaging, down-to-earth, and actionable.
Practical Mental Health Training for a Healthier Workplace
